"DWTS" Week 9 Recap: It Takes Three, Baby

We’ll be honest: After 25[,000,000] seasons, we didn’t think “Dancing with the Stars” had any more tricks up its sequined sleeves. But then, last night, the show snapped us out of our spray-tan-fume–induced stupor by bringing back some of our favorite alums for the trio round. Another chance to see Laurie Hernandez and Alfonso Ribeiro and QUEEN KRISTI YAMAGUCHI strut their stuff on the ballroom floor? Yes! Yes please.

Before we got to those trio routines, though, we had a whole round of standard-issue couple dances to get through. And while duets tend to suffer in weeks when all the attention’s on the threesomes, Jordan Fisher and Lindsay Arnold’s dynamite quickstep—which Carrie Ann described as being like “Bob Fosse and Austin Powers had a baby”—packed a psychedelic punch, earning a perfect score from the judges.

It wouldn’t be Jordan’s only perfect score of the night. (We all agree that the competition is his to lose at this point, right?) He and Lindsay teamed up with ever-suave alum Corbin Bleu for a trio salsa that was frill-free amazingness: no confusing abstract concepts, no pyrotechnics (well, minimal pyrotechnics; it wouldn’t be “DWTS” without a little actual [fire]), just clean, fabulous, spicy salsa choreo.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvhOtEqJjPY&index=13&list=PLK1f1bOs9XyeV-1xpF3QgsGv8jR7T5eSJ expand=1]

Because everything Kristi Yamaguchi touches turns to gold [medals], she made what might otherwise have been a rather ho-hum trio with Lindsay Stirling and Mark Ballas into something special. Their Old Hollywood-inspired quickstep was classy and elegant and, like Jordan’s trio, refreshingly gimmick-free. (Side note: Kristi’s season of “DWTS” was nine years ago. NINE. YEARS. What.)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzV_387EnOY&index=11&list=PLK1f1bOs9XyeV-1xpF3QgsGv8jR7T5eSJ expand=1]

At the end of the evening, Terrell Owens and Cheryl Burke were sent packing, which was about right. What was not about right was the fact that Frankie Muniz and Witney Carson were also in danger. We do not want to live in a universe where the “Property Brothers” guy outlasts Malcom in the Middle. Wake up and start voting correctly, America. (Not that our track record has been great on that front recently…)

Til next week!