"Dancing with the Stars" Recap: Season 12, Elimination 5

Monday night's guilty pleasure-themed performance show brought the usual "Dancing with the Stars" antics: someone fell (Karina), someone twisted an ankle (Mark) and someone got called a porn star (ohhhh, Kendra). Actually, I believe the exact quote from Bruno was "Kendra, that was the attack of the killer boobs!" It's that inappropriate charm that keeps us watching week after week...


Also on Monday, the first 10s of the season were awarded to the two youngest contestants, Romeo and Chelsea. And Hanson performed. Anytime "MMMBop" is involved you know there's good stuff happening.


Now let's get to the results show, shall we? Here's what was going through my head as the minutes—all 60 of them—ticked by.


Brooke Burke is so hot. It's not even fair. Her hair is sleek, straight and parted down the center. Her dress is drenched in sequins and sparkles. I must own this dress immediately.


Boy bands are awesome. Did you know that New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys are touring together? And did you know that, together, they've "formed" NKOTBSB and they have a new single? Well, yeah. It's true. NKOTBSB is filled with dudes whose names I cannot remember for the life of me, but they open the show with a song that's actually kind of awesome. I'm a sucker for a good boy band—or two. Toward the end of the performance, the boy band(s?) are joined by some dancers. I can't believe how much I am enjoying this performance. The rest of the DS staff is definitely going to make fun of me...


Backstage footage is boring. It's melodramatic. It includes Mark Ballas twisting his ankle, followed by some bleeping noises.


Re-showing a performance from the night before is still a bad idea. Why has no one on the show realized that yet? Why do they keep doing it? Anyway, we're forced to watch Kendra and Louis's Samba again. Obviously Len and Bruno wanted to see her live the vida loca again.


More backstage footage = time to do dishes. In the background I hear Maks tell Kirstie that she needs to slow down during rehearsal and listen to the music. That is so interesting! Though I'm more interested in getting my dirty dishes washed.


The Macy's Stars of Dance portion of the show is the best part. This time it's choreographed by Christopher Scott of The LXD. The song is "Stand By Me," and the routine opens with little breakdancing kids. Obviously adorable and charming. The young leading lady is familiar face Kendall Glover. Suddenly there's a scene change, and now the dancers are grown up. There's some LXD-style craziness happening include the standard trickery involving those sideways twisting flips the guys do and those weird crocodile walks on the floor. It's great, but nothing we haven't seen before. Another scene change, and the dancers are old. Heart strings are being tugged. It's very sweet and precious and though it doesn't blow my mind, it's more entertaining than Kendra's shimmying.


I want NKOTBSB to serenade me. This happens, and I am happy: "You are...my fire...the one...desire...believe...when I say...I want it that way." This song is so good. BSB goes to town, then NKOTB interrupts (how rude) with "Step by Step." I'm sure this is great, but I was never a NKOTB girl. I like that the choreography clearly hasn't changed since the early 90s...


I don't care who Mark Ballas is dating. Apparently he's dating Pia, the "American Idol" contestant who was so dramatically eliminated recently. So it's no surprise that she's performing on "DWTS" now, and it's definitely no shock that Mark is dancing while she sings. He's joined by Karina and they do a nice little contemporary ditty. It's fine. It's kind of boring. I like that we get to see the pros doing something other than the usual ballroom stuff though. At the end of the performance, Tom Bergeron asks Pia if Mark is a good kisser, to which she replies, "He's a wonderful person." In other words, "No, he's a bad kisser, but together we're semi-famous." Fair enough, Pia. Fair enough.


The elimination takes 57 minutes to get to, and that is 55 minutes too long. This week we say goodbye to Chris and Cheryl. Sorry, Cher-Bear. We know you really like the competition. Buuuut, bye.


And there you have it. What do you think of the results? Let us know!

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